We were holding a brief assembly for our 12th-grade class, supporting them with whatever college-related information they still need at this point in the application process. In the assembly, our counseling department included a video clip of New York Times columnist Frank Bruni, who wrote an influential book a few years ago titled Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be. The book, which I have referenced many times with parents and students, addresses the degree to which characteristics such as character and work ethic end up meaning more to success in life than the specific college we attend.
I believe that my life has lived out
that premise, and I believe most of us would say the same. But so many of our
seniors and their parents have their eyes set on a specific dream school, and
they often find themselves feeling as though their goals will only be met by
gaining acceptance to that school.
As Bruni was just starting to make his
point in the assembly, the sound cut out on the video. I was the one working the
projector, so it must have been my fault somehow. Having read the book and
talked about it frequently, I figured I should try and summarize Bruni’s point.
I took the microphone and did just that, then added my own personal experience.
I shared with the students that in
the spring of 1989, I was valedictorian of my high school class and applied to
many elite universities. I assumed that with my grades being what they were, I’d
receive many acceptances. And yet, none of my top five choices accepted me. I “settled”
for my sixth choice, an outstanding state school, one that many students – including
some of my friends – had tagged as their dream school.
I shared that when I arrived at this
college, it quickly became clear that this was a better fit for me than any of
those top five choices. I told the students that six months into my freshman
year, I would have definitely turned down an offer to attend any of those “top”
choices. I recognized that this school was the place for me, and that my
senior-year dreams had been grounded more in illusion than in reality.
My college, nestled in the dreamy
town of Chapel Hill, N.C., was inviting me to study really hard, but also to
stroll the downtown area and shop for CDs and cool T-shirts. This campus was
providing me with superb classes but also with tons of extracurricular
activities. I joined the school newspaper, and journalism quickly became the
focus of my undergraduate years. The school wanted me to be a student who could
excel on a final exam, while also contributing to the greater good of the town
and the world around me. I was expected to work into the night on a research
paper, yet also wait in line all night to get Duke-UNC basketball tickets.
I told my story, and the students
heard me, I guess. One colleague told me that when she asked students later how
the assembly was, one student shared that Dr. Hynes had told a really
depressing story about getting rejected by all of his colleges. {Sigh.} I am sure I did the best I could
in the moment, especially considering there had been no plans for me to speak
at that moment. I have shared this story of my college rejections many times
with students, and it usually goes over well and leads them to feel less
anxious about the process. I’m sure it did on this day as well. But I reflected
afterward about some ways I might tell it a bit differently.
I think I would start with the metaphor
of life as a marathon. Because, after all, some students do not find their
ideal fit in the first semester of college. My story speaks to the idea that we
can find that fit even when we don’t think we have it. But in reality, it might
take awhile for that to happen. Some students transfer, some find a better fit
in their graduate school than in their undergraduate school, some need a gap
year before going anywhere, and some find that not attending college at all is
the best fit for now. The larger theme here is that our lives do not typically
unfold exactly as we thought they would in December of our senior year. But it
may take some patience and perseverance before we find the right track for us.
I have two daughters who are
commuting to college right now. Neither would tell you that these schools are
the perfect spots they were dreaming of in senior year. But they would likely
tell you that these are the schools they need right now, and they are grateful
that they can drive 30 minutes from their home and attend a world-class
university. The words “dream school” or “best fit” would not come up in their
conversation with you, but they would tell you that they’re narrowing down
their interests within their majors and they are growing as learners and as
citizens of the world.
They’re still early on in the
marathon, with so much more ahead of them. Like the students I spoke with last
week, they’re still figuring it all out. And our Gen Z students do not need
anyone to tell them that everything works out perfectly, as per plan. They’ve witnessed
enough horror in their short time on this earth to debunk that myth.
Like most of us, they’re going to
respond to the opportunity to listen, learn, share and grow. They’re in search
of hope for their own lives and for the greater good. They want some fun, some
joy, and some intellectual challenges. They might like a cool college logo on
their sweatshirts as well, but that logo represents more than cachet. It
symbolizes the fulfillment they hope to gain in this life, at this stage of the
marathon and in the stages to come.
So yeah, I would go a little deeper
if given another crack at speaking to the seniors. Even so, I think they got
the point in my shortened version. Hang in there, and don’t fret if your
perceived dream doesn’t pan out. There are more possibilities out there than
any of us can count. Where we go as human beings – that’s how we figure out who
we’ll be.
